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One of the hardest things for parents to talk to children about is
divorce.
All children feel a strong sense of loss when parents separate or
divorce.
Kids may rebel, misbehave, or become withdrawn when we decided to have
divorce. Children need as much support as possible from parents and
family while they deal with these emotions.
tell our children about divorce you know it will be painful, talking
with children about divorce or separation is also an opportunity to let
them know, first and foremost, that we are love them, and to demonstrate
that - as a family - we're going to meet their needs and answer their
questions.
Thinks we will need:
1. patience
2. understanding
The process:
Step 1:
First and foremost, let the children know that they are not at fault.
Make sure they understand that they are not the cause of the divorce.
Tell them shortly before they will see the change (typically a few days
before one of the spouses moves out).
Step 2:
Be honest. Answer their questions truthfully. You don't have to tell
them every detail, but don't lie to them either. Remember that what you
don't tell them, someone else probably will. Try to have the whole
family present (both spouses and all children). Within the bounds of
propriety, be honest.
If at all possible, and if you can do it without assessing blame, tell
them what you can about why you are divorcing. One of the most frequent
complaints of children of divorce, even long after the divorce, is that
they never heard any reason why their parents divorced.
Step 3:
Don't make them choose sides. This will be hard enough for them. Making
them pick one parent over the other only adds to the stress, and over
time will foster resentment. Tell them as much as you know about when
one of you plans to move out, and when they will next see the parent who
is leaving. Tell them as much as you know about how their lives will
change (where they will live, where they will go to school, where the
dog will be, etc.)
Step 4:
Don't use the kids as leverage to get what you want. It's not fair to
them and makes you look like the bad guy. Reassure them that they did
not cause the divorce.
Step 5:
Stress to your children how much you love them and how important they
are to you. Spend extra time with them. Talk to them. Do simple things
to reinforce the bonds you have. Encourage them to ask questions, and
assure them that they can ask questions later as well.
Here are some questions could be coming from children:
1. Will I be left alone?
2. Where will I live?
3. Will I ever see Daddy (Mommy) again?
4. What happens if I get sick?
5. Will I stay with my brothers and sisters?
6. If I'm really good and never act up again, will Daddy (Mommy)
come
back?
7. Who will feed me? Will I have enough to eat?
8. Now that Daddy (Mommy) is leaving, will Mommy (Daddy) leave soon
too?
9. My friend had to move to an apartment and share a room with a
brother or sister when her parents divorced. Will we do that too?
10. What did I do to cause this? Maybe it was (some recent
transgression).
Or maybe it was (something else they've done wrong recently). I'll
make sure I never, never do that again,
and then we'll all be together again.
Tips & Warnings:
. Be honest.
. Always show the kids you love them.
. Let them know that they can talk to you about anything.
. Don't put the other parent down in front of them.
. Don't put the kids in the middle of an argument.
. Don't threaten revenge if you don't get your way.
. Tell children about the divorce as soon as you have made a
decision
and are certain about the divorce. Children need to be told before any
changes occur.
. Don't go into great detail about your marital problems with
children.
. Tell children about the changes that will happen (moving to a
new
house, moving to a new school, or beginning visitation).
Parents need to listen to children's questions and concerns.
. If possible, parents should tell children about the divorce
together. Agree ahead of time on an explanation. This is not the time to
argue.
This is the time to be very supportive of your children's thoughts
and feelings.
. Tell your children often that they are in no way responsible for
the
divorce. Children need to know they are not to blame for what is
happening.
. Children cannot understand all the issues involved in a divorce.
Be
sensitive to their loss and don't expect them to behave like adults.
Common Reactions
Divorce is hard for all children, but parents can expect certain
behaviors based on their child's age. Put a check in the box next to
each that you have observed in your child:
. Cries more
. Exhibits baby-like behavior.
. Is fearful if a parent is out of sight.
. Acts irritable, withdraws, and throws more tantrums.
. Expresses a sense of sorrow and loss.
. Fears abandonment.
. Blames self.
. Becomes very angry.
. Feels angry and deceived.
. Feels a strong sense of loss.
. Has difficulty sleeping.
Guidelines to Help Children Cope
The following are ways parents can relieve some of the stress children
feel when experiencing a divorce.
. Reassure your children you love them. Provide a safe, warm and
loving home.
. Encourage them to share their questions and any feelings they
might
have about the divorce.
. Let them spend time with another adult of the opposite sex.
Aunts,
uncles, grandparents, or trusted friends are good choices.
. Children need consistency. As much as possible follow your usual
family routines. Routines give children a sense of security and may help
to ease fears of abandonment.
. Never speak badly about your former spouse in front of your
children. Talk about those feelings only when you are alone with another
trusted adult.
. Avoid using your children as a way of communicating with your
former
spouse about child support payments, custody issues, or coordinating
visits.
This can hurt your children.
. Don't depend on your children for support. Join a single parent
group or talk to good friends or close family members when you need
support and encouragement.
You can also seek help from a counselor. Children can become
scared if they feel a parent can't take care of him or herself.
About Visitation:
Avoid using visitation as a way to punish the other parent. This will
hurt your children as well as your former spouse. Visitation times
should be established in advance and only changed when both parents
agree. If visitations are to go smoothly, children must feel a sense of
ownership in each parent's home. To make children's adjustment to both
homes easier, keep the following things in mind:
1. Have children keep personal items in both homes. This will help
children feel a sense of belonging in each place.
Keep enough at each home so that children don't need to pack a
suitcase. This will keep children from feeling that they are visitors in
either place.
2. Have open communication with your former spouse. If possible,
have
the same rules in each home. This consistency will help your children
feel that adults are in charge.
3. Treat your former spouse with courtesy and respect. Keep a
pleasant
tone when she or he comes to pick up the children for visits.
Do the same when talking about other issues related to the
children.
4. Allow your child to phone the other parent whenever he or she
wants.
5. List some other ways you will help make this life change easier
for
your children. Commit to consistently using them.
6. Time can heal the wounds a divorce brings to a family. For the
healing process to work,
parents need to be committed to showing respect for one another,
using open communication, and having a lot of patience with their
children.
7. When children's sick parents are committed to showing respect to
children to take care until children going back normal
8. Base stay of children's are in GPL, have open communication
between
parents if somebody want to take children to other home and make a plan
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